Most parents want to be fair to their children. In estate planning, that often gets translated into “everyone gets the same amount.” But when considering the issue of why fair inheritance isn’t always equal, you should keep in mind the two concepts are not always the same thing. Thoughtful legacy planning looks at each child’s real-life circumstances. The goal is to support your children in a way that feels fair, even if the numbers are not identical.
When an Unequal Inheritance May Be the Fair Choice
There are many situations where equal shares would actually feel unfair to some kids:
- One child has a high-paying career, while another is struggling to make ends meet. You may want to provide extra support where it will make the biggest difference.
- A child has sacrificed time, income, or opportunities to be your primary caregiver. It may be fair to recognize that caregiving with a larger inheritance or special gift.
- Your children have very different needs. For example, you may have a much younger child who will need support for many more years, or a child with additional needs who will require lifelong care.
- One child is committed to running the family business. Rather than making all children equal owners (which can cause conflict), you might leave the business to that child and use other assets—such as life insurance, investment accounts, or real estate—to treat the others fairly in different ways.
In each of these cases, equal may not feel “right.” A personalized estate plan helps you define what fairness looks like for your family.
How and When Your Children Receive Their Inheritance
When considering the topic of why fair isn’t always equal, it’s important to dive further into the purpose and structure of a gift. Fairness is not just about “how much.” It is also about how and when a child receives their inheritance.
You might choose different approaches for different children:
- Lump sums. For mature, financially responsible adult children, a lump sum may work well. They might use it to pay off a mortgage, invest for retirement, or fund a new chapter of life.
- Installments over time. For younger adults, you might spread distributions over several ages (for example, part at 30, more at 35, and the rest at 40). This gives them room to learn, recover from mistakes, and grow into the responsibility.
- Support for major life events. You can direct part of a child’s inheritance to key milestones—such as a down payment on a home, starting a business, or returning to school—while holding the rest in reserve for later.
- Third-party discretion. If a child struggles with money management, addiction, or unhealthy relationships, you might appoint a trusted third-party trustee. That trustee can manage funds and make distributions for the child’s benefit instead of handing over a large lump sum.
- Special and supplemental needs planning. If a child receives or may need means-tested government benefits, leaving assets to them outright could unintentionally disqualify them. A properly designed special/supplemental needs trust can supplement their quality of life without jeopardizing eligibility.
These tools let you match the inheritance structure to each child’s stage of life, strengths, and vulnerabilities.
Why Trusts Are So Helpful for “Fair, Not Equal” Planning
Many parents use trusts as the backbone of their estate planning for children. A well-designed trust can:
- Protect an inheritance from a child’s creditors, lawsuits, or divorcing spouse
- Guard against impulsive or irresponsible spending
- Give a trustee guidance and flexibility to respond to real-life circumstances
- Allow you to treat children differently while still explaining your intentions clearly
With the right trust language, you can say, “I want each child to be supported appropriately,” instead of feeling locked into one-size-fits-all distributions.
Lifetime Gifts: Helping Now, Not Just Later
If you are financially able, you may choose to give part of your “inheritance” while you are alive:
- You get to see the impact—helping a child buy a first home, launch a business, or cover a grandchild’s tuition.
- You learn how each child handles money, which can guide how you structure the rest of your estate plan.
Lifetime gifting can also be part of broader tax and legacy planning when coordinated with your overall estate plan and any existing wills and trusts.
Your Legacy Is Bigger Than Your Children’s Inheritances
Supporting your children does not have to mean leaving everything to them.
Depending on the size of your estate and your values, you might also want to:
- Fund education for grandchildren
- Support a favorite charity, religious institution, or community cause
- Create a multigenerational legacy plan that extends beyond your children
Many parents feel most comfortable leaving children “enough to be secure, but not so much that they lose motivation.” The right estate planning strategy can help you strike that balance.
Talk It Through—and Get Guidance
Deciding what is “fair” in your family can be emotionally challenging, especially if you worry how your children will react. You do not have to figure this out alone.
An experienced estate planning attorney can:
- Help you define what “fair” looks like in your specific situation
- Suggest ways to structure inheritances so they are both protective and supportive
- Coordinate your wills, trusts, and beneficiary designations so they all work together
If you are wrestling with how to treat your children fairly—without treating them exactly the same—this is the perfect time to revisit your estate planning and legacy planning goals with a trusted advisor.
